I Haven’t Been Entirely Honest About My Mental Health
Recently I’ve seen a lot of posts on facebook asking people to support friends and relatives who are suffering from mental health problems. I think it’s time I came clean.
At the back end of last year things started to get on top of me. Our lives were busy, but we had a goal to gain financial freedom and we were working like mad towards it. We hadn’t had a break since we’d rolled off the ferry in September 2013, but that wasn’t a problem, I could handle it, or so I thought. I had to use up my holiday allowance before the New Year so I booked a couple of weeks of at the start of December which was used rushing around preparing the shop for our new tenants.
As the days went by my mood got darker and darker, then one day I started to cry in the car on the way to work. I had no idea why I was crying but inside it felt like someone had died, I was numb. Outside it didn’t feel like me at all, it was as if I was hidden behind a mask. I didn’t know it at the time but I was stressed/depressed/anxious – take your pick, no one has really got to the bottom of what it was or what caused it – but I can tell you now it wasn’t pleasant.
I’d had job pressure before, so I know when my body is telling me I am stressed; my hands start to peel, I don’t sleep well and I get flashing migraine lights (but luckily not the headache that goes with it), but this was different, I had none of that.
A few more days of tears in the car passed (I could hold it together at work and in public) before Jay managed to persuade me to visit the doctors. I was offered the choice of sign off from work for two weeks, medication or both – I didn’t want either. I could handle it. But after only a couple more days things were worse, it was getting harder to muster up the energy to do anything. So I called the doctor again and got signed off for two weeks – there was no way I was going to take the pills if I didn’t have to.
My natural instinct was to curl up in bed, pull the duvet over my head and stay there, and I did for a couple of days. But I didn’t want to be off work, I felt like a failure, I hated myself, I thought the world hated me and I spent a lot of my time under the duvet fretting about work. Slowly I emerged from my cocoon and made it onto the sofa (still under the duvet), I researched depression and alternatives to medication and found that exercise was thought to be almost as good, if not better, in some cases. I went to the local leisure centre a couple of times for a swim, read more about depression and how to cope with it and made myself do stuff – inside I still wanted to crawl back into my bed though.
The time between Christmas and New Year was already booked off work as holiday (still trying to use them up) so I only went back to the office for a couple of days. It was tough, very tough. I emailed my work colleagues to let them know that if I burst into tears on them it was nothing they had said, it was just what I was going through. Although I didn’t really know what I was going through as the doctors didn’t know what had caused it. The description I related to the most was from a brilliant book by Ruby Wax: your brain is like a PC and if you have too many windows open on your PC for too long it will crash. I was amazed at how many people in our small office wrote back to me and said they had suffered the same thing – yet no one spoke about it.
We had a break over Christmas and New Year and I managed just over a week back in the office before I found myself sitting at my desk physically shaking. Dead inside I was unable to eat or drink anything, I concentrated so hard on getting a piece of analysis finished to meet a deadline of 5pm – not that anyone would read it that evening or even over the weekend – but my brain was not responding (I have no idea what was in that presentation, I suspect it was rubbish!). That day was the worst day of my life.
Jay had already crunched the numbers and tried to persuade me to quit work – I was having none of it. He reassured me we were financially OK and he could do a couple more months on his contract if we had any shortfall to our target. After that Friday, I didn’t need any persuading. If I was going to get better something had to be done. The following Monday I handed in my notice, work suggested I just needed more time off, but I knew that wasn’t the answer. It was a terrible way to leave, no goodbye, but it needed to be done.
Since then I have been slowly working on getting myself better. I had ‘guided self help’ sessions from a local charity which taught me what was going on in my head and coping mechanisms. During this I was asked ‘What do you like to do to relax?’, my reply was simply ‘I don’t’, slowly it dawned on me.
I took up yoga in the January and was instantly hooked as it stopped those cruel voices in my head for an hour. I joined the local leisure centre and every day I would swim, go to the gym or attend a class. My new goal is to be able to run 30 mins non-stop by the end of this year.
I planned my days to ensure I had a balanced mix of necessary stuff, work stuff and fun stuff, this also helped to keep me from the cocoon of my bed. I spent my days working on the house, painting or wall papering, stopping for a nap, reading and having some quality time with Charlie the pooch.
Being off work meant I was there for every step in the building of our ‘Cooler‘. It not only gave me a reason to get up in the morning, but as it came together it gave me a sense of achievement – I suspect it would have looked very different if I hadn’t been on site. I also made a point of attending conferences and training for my business because the people who do the same thing as me are all happy and positive, that along with the recommended personal development really helped. Throughout all of this Jay was a total superstar, and my only regret is not heeding his advice much sooner – he knew me better than I knew myself.
Slowly, slowly things got better. It has taken many months and there is still a small dark cloud way out there on the horizon in my mind, maybe it’s always been there, but now I know it’s there I’m better equipped to stop it becoming a full blown storm again.
I haven’t felt able to tell you all this until now, in fact members of my immediate family only found out recently, so I’m sorry if I mislead you by not being entirely honest. Our route to financial independence has been rapid but it hasn’t been a breeze. If, like us, you have a goal to be financially free – please take it easy, it will happen if you keep focussed on it, but don’t do it at the expense of your health. Enjoy and appreciate where you are now, use your holidays to recharge, find out what it is you like to do to relax and finally if you see someone struggling, please help them, as it can happen to any of us.
Ju x
Julie, that is such an honest and powerful blog-I have such respect for you for writing it. You have been and are an inspiration to me and have been since I stumbled upon your website a few years ago. Your attitude to life and what you have both achieved is remarkable and exceptional. I hope you keep feeling better each day and I cannot way for your next adventure. Big hugs.
Jenny xx
Your a very brave Lady to open up to the world like that and that in its self shows how in control of yourself you are. I wish you continued good health.
John
Hi Ju
I’m sorry you’ve been suffering, but you have now recognised it and although you will never be quite the same ( I don’t mean that in a bad way) you will be a better person for it ( I know I know, you’re already fabulous!!)
Exercise really is the key….and not too much booze :-(
You will be amazed how many of us nutters are out there. You have great support in Jay and I’m sure the rest of your family and friends are there for you too
That must have taken so much courage to write Ju, good on you.
I have also been there trying to juggle too many balls, feeling
guilty and a failure while telling myself my life was good compared to others. My wake-up call was overhearing my daughters comparing me with
acquaintance I thought of ‘off the wall’. My husband and motorhome travels have been my salvation.
I hope your future adventure is a success.and you’re soon feeling yourself again – because you will. (just keep a look-out for that black cloud)
X
Ju,
I think your’re going to be overwhelmed by the number of messages of support you’ll receive.
Recognising and acknowledging that you are depressed are essential steps on the road to recovery. You’ve done that in this post and I’m sure that many of us will have had to deal with similar episodes in our lives, and will identify and empathise with you. Stopping your mind racing away, replaying unwanted images and scenarios like a never ending newsreel is a challenge. For some, anti-depressants do work but I think the best medicine is distraction – and you’ve got that coming to you in spades in just a few days.
It’s my belief that everyone suffers like this at some point in their lives, but few are brave enough to admit it. So, you’re not abnormal in any way – just exceptional in that you have the intelligence to have recognised and confronted this issue in a very effective way.
This episode will pass and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. (The channel tunnel in your case!)
Best wishes
Clive
Thank you for that Ju! I am going through it at the moment. Its something I would say on facebook, but its not something i want other people to know about. I have been through the crash at work, my brain is in nowhere land at the moment, and only last week I put my house on the market, and already I have someone wanting to buy it. I’m going to live with my Mum and look after her. I will be effectively semi retired at 51. I hope to get a part time job to keep my mind from going completely to seed, but I will also have money in the bank ready for my motorhome.
Thank you so much for being so candid about how you have been. It really isn’t something that most people can understand if they have not been through it themselves…
But hey… lookout… I will see you out there on the roads some day!
James
Thank you for posting this. Mental health is so much the ‘white elephant in the corner that no one talks about. I too have had the flashing lights and did not know I was suffering stress. James has been hospitalised with stress. My 17 daughter is going through CBT about how to cope with crowds, exit routes and fear of vomiting (does not stop her drinking though!). James retired and I was still working stupid hours. He suffered a form of depression where he slept a lot and was completely incapable of getting anything done. We started travelling earlier than planned as he wanted me around more. Exercise is such a boost – we both exercise (sort of) regularly, on top of the walking and cycling done in the normal course of a day.
You are so taking the right action. Health is paramount. Sounds like Jay is a good’un. Good for you for taking charge and growing as a result of your illness. Very best wishes to you both for the remaining preparation time. Kx
Love this blog. Have just finished reading from the beginning. Looking forward to your new trip
Good luck Ju
It’s being able to talk about it, and share your experience that will change society’s attitude to mental Heath.
John
How brave you are. Stress is stealthy and sneaky. You have no time for it and want to carry on as normal, but it disables you. It has to be addressed by you. Once it’s got you it takes so much time to recover. But you do.
With work seen as such a desirable thing by modern society, overwork or being a workaholic gets praise from us. I did this at college many years ago, not leaving until I was kicked out at 9pm every night and ending with full distinctions at the exams. Great! I followed this by self-employment and working as much as I possibly could, until – bang – and all the symptoms you describe hit me too. I have learned to pace myself since after a long period of professional help.
My wife was the same as me, but she would never give up and had added pressures before I met her. She succeeded at home, at uni, at work, at sport, at everything she tried she was top, but could not or would not take enough time off. The result after more than 20 years of this was ME/CFS. Her body just gave up! Now, well over 10 years since the diagnosis, we have accepted she is never likely to make more than a partial recovery. Even motorhoming is a struggle for her!
We have learned that hiding the effect overwork is having on your mind or body is counter productive. Stress is not the desirable spice which encourages you to excel, but a subtle drain on your body’s resources. Pushing ourselves brings good results in the short term, but doing nothing else can eventually be deadly.
Bertrand Russell wisely said, ‘The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.’ Learn to relax or your mind and body will force you to when you least want it. And if people shun you when they discover you are in trouble they were not worth knowing in the first place.
Hi Ju, I have done exactly the same, had to pull over driving to work to get myself together on more than one occasion. Don’t beat yourself up, you have recognised what’s not the norm for you and sort help. Exercise is a great distraction, I took up cycle no mean feat with Cornwall’s landscape. I am older than you being 48 so my circumstances may be different but hormones fluctuations can addle you brain! You have a very supportive partner which is wonderful. Anyway my hubby and I are still on our travels, we ventured for a quick foray in Portugal, boy totally confused with the toll system and the local drive like madmen. Got a toll card but turned out to be the wrong one for the roads we were on > 3 different operators. You guys could do a really good piece to help you followers on this subject. Anyway after a couple of nights we are back in Galicia, staying Aldan near Cangas. Weather superb, sea warm enough for a good long swim. Sadly making our way back towards Santander. If anyone can recommend a Vet let me know. I have two woofers to worm/ passport thing. Look after yourself Megan
Talking openly about mental health issues is so important – it remains one of the few taboos out there and yet affects so many people. This is such a brave post Ju – I wish you all the best for the future. It takes time to recover but you have that now and the support and understanding of family and friends. Take care x
Hi there. Sorry you are going through a rough patch. It just takes time and the help and understanding of friends and family. My problem was having no one to talk to that I felt would understand. I have a group of friends now after I let them in that are very supportive. Hope you are getting through this. It won’t happen in a hurry that’s for sure. I’m glad you have opened up. That can and will help over time. Take care.
Hi Ju
Thank you so much for that. Our daughter experienced depression and everything you say rings true. More openness like your amazing post will help others. We also found Ruby Wax’s book a brilliant insight. Take care and be kind to yourself xx
I hope you’re feeling better. Depression runs in our family and I feel lucky to have escaped it (although I compensated by having major problems with anxiety and panic attacks for many years!) Exercise and relaxation are fantastic tools to have to tackle these conditions, with the added benefits they bring for the rest of your health. And just accepting that you are the way you are, with all the complexities and shades of personality that this brings. Good luck, and a brave post which I’m sure will bring solace and support to others.
What a wonderfully honest account, Julie. I felt that way when I was teaching, and a similar approach helped me get through it too. So few people talk about depression and anxiety and yet acceptance and understanding seems plentiful once you do.
I have found that exercise works so well to give perspective, I feel like it reboots my brain and stopped the repetitive spiral that my thoughts take when I am worrying about something.
I hope that everything is going well for you now and that you are enjoying your financial freedom.
All the best
Emma
Very brave Julie. I suffered the same about 13 years ago when the company I owned was starting to struggle and a business partner who I no longer got on with. I to one day just couldn’t get out of bed and started to have dark thoughts that everyone would be better if I wax no longer around. Thanks to my amazing husband I did slowly recover. The black clouds are very rare now but like you say sometimes I know they are there trying to roll in. This is nearly always when it is too long between holidays. Hobbies and exercise have been very benifical for me. So looking forward to reading about your next travels.
Ju, well done you for being brave enough to post about this. I’ve seen and experienced this within my famly and sympathise with what you’ve been through. Sometimes you just need to listen to what your body, and mind, is telling you! Seems high acheivers are particularly prone to this, balance can be acheived though – and i think you know this. Take care and enjoy your ‘mini’ three month break. You both deserve it! Have fun :)
Read your story this morning and was thinking of you when on Radio 2 Chris Evans played that great E L O track “Hold on tight to your dreams” Seems the best advise i can send at this time. Good Luck Doreen and Dave
Ju,
My heart goes out to you – like you, I ended up crying in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. Counseling (prescribed by my doctor) worked for me and on reflection it’s not what they tell you, but how they work ‘with’ you. It worked for me. Sending good vibes to you both (and Charlie of course) – you are a wonderful inspiration to so many people out there who are dreaming of doing what you are about to embark on. Take strength from all the good wishes. We (Janette & I) have just come back from France (not in a motorhome cause we haven’t got one yet!) but we are determined to reach that stage and I must say that reading your blog has made us even more determined! Go for it :-)
If only more people were more open about their mental health issues. Well done for facing yours, and from someone who has walked in the same shoes, I can honestly say that with the love and support of those around you will make it. Take all the time you need, one step at a time, each day as it comes. The best advice I was given was “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”. I live by that now and share it with many. Take care, enjoy your travels and live the life you love. Julie
I know I am late to teh party but as a fellow Hymer owner I am sure you will forgive me :-)
Very Brave post….
Keep the wheels turning :-)