The Dave Motorhoming Glossary

Should we bump into any of you, and our vernacular resembles the gibberish, a few terms which we’ve found ourselves using during our time in the van, in no particular order!

1. Go Dave go – a collective urging from the cab area whenever Dave requires encouragement to speed up. Typically uttered at the point of entry to a busy motorway, or at the bottom of a road which appears to rise vertically before us.
2. No Dave no – a panicked response to any situation which is likely to result in moderate to severe flinging of people and contents within Dave. Examples include an over exuberant exit from an autobahn into a tight bend, a smoking descent of a mountain, and the launching of wheels off the ground at an unmarked speed bump (see: settling).
3. Do the fridge – the oft forgotten task of changing the energy source of the fridge from 12V battery (while driving) to gas or 220V while stationary. Resulting in ill-informed guessing of which food might subsequently kill us.
4. Do the grey – the act of turning on, or off, the round tap which controls our foul egg smelling water tank strung beneath the van. Occasionally forgotten, not doing the grey results in a greasy stripe along the road behind us, and a deserved dislike from following motorists.
5. Do the bed – less exciting than you might imagine, the act of heaving the overcab bed up into its high position and latching it with a safety belt type attachment so we can drive without our heads pinned to the dashboard.
6. Put the water on – flicking the switch which results in a clunk which results in roasting hot water, which later results in a yelping ‘Ah! Dave ya beast’ from the shower compartment.
7. Poo juice – had to be one on toilets – the combined chemical-liquid-solid affluence of our cassette. The term takes on greater significance following a prolonged stay away from emptying facilities in tortuously hot weather. Only Jay knows about poo juice.
8. On a wonk – being parked on unlevel ground. Of far more consequence than you might imagine, it give the feeling of requiring crampons to move around, needing ropes to stay in bed, or simply flooding the van during a lengthy shower.
9. Lefty lefty – turning left, physically, not politically. A bit of an inside joke as despite all of Ju’s magnificent map reading skills, she’s never quite sure which way is left.
10. Mogwai! – a yelped reaction from us humans whenever Charlie does pretty much anything. Of particular relevance to the act of leaping at us from the doorway when we return with Lidl goodies.
11. Teethy time – a reminder that while we may be on a lazy gap year(ish), our teeth still require brushing. Electric brushes hopefully make up for the occasional lapse.
12. Mank – used to describe the general feeling of not having washed for a few days. We never use this term.
13. Pump us up – to reinflate Dave’s air assisted suspension. Pumping, we usually decide, is required before entrance to any hilly area, or on roads which look like fun on a motorbike.
14. The shat nav – a derogatory term applied whenever our TomTom decides to send us the wrong way down a one way street, down the narrowest street on Earth, a dirt track, a non-existent road, under a low bridge, or generally anywhere near the interior of an Italian town.
15. T’Interjuice – remaining bandwidth for accessing the Internet for blogging, checking if campsites are still, unbelievably, part of the camping cheque scheme, working out what we just saw using Wikipedia and making Skype calls home.
16. Settling – the process by which the contents of Dave’s cupboards loudly readjust themselves at the start of each journey. Typical use: “it’s OK, Mogwai, it’s just settling”.

If you notice us employing any other invented colloquialisms, please advise!