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<\/a>Peak Anxiety<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
About a decade ago I was surprised to discover I have an anxiety problem. It was news to me at the time, as I sat in the doctors surgery explaining the tennis ball of fire which burned in my chest each day, and the pins-and-needle pains which ran across my chest and upper back, most of my waking hours. They’d sort of become the norm, and I only spoke about them after a panic attack which had me in the back of an ambulance one afternoon. Later on, when I thought back, I recalled times I’d struggled to keep breathing normally on long driving commutes across the country, feeling like I might pass out and having to pull into the motorway services to calm down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Turns out I was stressed silly with work, for various reasons I won’t bother going into. I’m not complaining about any of this, the anxiety has been my friend in many ways, pushing me out of the office and onto the road, gifting me the capacity to run up beautiful mountain valleys or push myself to run lone 50 milers. That said, the anxiety can get out of control, and it has done these past couple of weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We’ve all had almost a year of it now: the COVID-19 threat’s hung over us and our loved ones for all of that time. It’s waxed and waned, but it’s been there all along, pushing down on us, squeezing us, picking at our fears. The news has exploded out with a tsunami of information, the majority of it completely useless to us as individuals, little of it uplifting. Social media platforms, caring practically nothing for the content they carry, have presented some of the darkest, most untruthful, resentful and judgmental commentary out to audiences of millions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some folks have suffered far more than others, of course, but I don’t think anyone’s escaped mentally unharmed by all of this. Despite the gradual acceptance of mental health as a topic for open conversation over recent years, I feel it’s still a largely taboo subject. The fact every last one of us has been affected by COVID has, perhaps, not helped as none of us feel we can raise the subject: why should we get special treatment?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For me the symptoms of anxiety peaked (hopefully) last week. All the usual stuff was happening to me, although not as bad as it’s been in the past: tight chest, needle-like chest pains, difficulty sleeping, a reduced motivation to exercise. The judging voice in my head was running riot, self-destructive, arguing over and over and over again with complete strangers who’d felt the need to voice their negativity towards us (always written, never face-to-face) in the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here in Spain we’ve far fewer restrictions on our day-to-day lives than the combination of a 3rd lockdown and a hard winter back home. That doesn’t help our families and friends though, and a sense of guilt has stayed with me these past few months. Selfishly we’ve rearranged our (previously cancelled) ferry home for 31 March (Santander to Portsmouth) to get maximum time away, all the while gambling that Spain won’t ‘go red’ before then. Once we’ve quarantined we’ll be directly affected by whatever’s happening at home, like everyone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Boris’ data-not-dates UK unlock roadmap announcement on Monday threw me a rope. Everything depends on the data, but assuming all goes well we’ll be able to sit outside with our parents as soon as we’re ‘out’ from quarantine, UK camping should be possible from a couple of days later (12 April), and (maybe) from 17 May outdoor running events like ParkRun could restart (oh my god!!! running alongside lots of other fellow runners!!! freaks me out a bit but excites me too). That final date’s two and a half months away, quite a while but close enough to motivate me to lose the addition 2kg in weight I’m carrying around, and get fitter and faster for racing again, something which serves to shove me forwards, easing my anxiety back down to ‘normal’, healthy levels. <\/p>\n\n\n\n